Why I talk about my dead baby.

‘Why does she keep talking about her? Shouldn’t she be over it? Do you think there is something wrong with her? She needs to move on.’

Two years ago my baby died, of a rare brain condition known as Miller Dieker Syndrome. Only 2 babies every year in Australia are diagnosed with this condition.

I had a straightforward pregnancy until a routine ultrasound at 36 weeks showed an abnormal lack of development in my baby’s brain. It was the day my life changed forever. We were told we might have two years with our child, if we were lucky.

Devastatingly, we were robbed of even that and Lily died when she was just 10 months and 15 days old.  Since Lily died, I am a different person. I have different beliefs, a different outlook on life and I am still figuring out how to survive without my child.

But unexpectedly one of the hardest things I have faced, is the expectation from society to get over it and stop talking about it so much. I remember being asked when I was going back to work, only a week after Lily died.

I was shocked, my baby had been dead for just days and already there was an expectation that I get on with my life. This question was only the beginning, and two years on I feel a definite sense that I should be ‘over it’.

‘Why does she keep going on about it? Do you think there is something wrong with her?’ I hear a lady I met once before, whisper loudly across the cafe to another ‘friend’ I vaguely know.

This is the sentiment that we, the grieving, live with. Heaped carelessly on top of our loss. We see the little looks, the hushed voices, the judgement. I know I am not alone in this feeling. I’ve had thousands of other baby loss mothers connect with me on social media and agree that they feel this pressure to stop talking about their babies too. But why? Who does it serve to keep silent?

The truth is, talking about our dead children allows us to ‘heal’, it allows us to process and accept that they are no longer here, and it lets us keep them close and alive in our memories. Stifling that conversation only makes things worse.

The simple answer to the question is: We talk about them to remember them, to keep their faces, their names, their spirits alive. We talk about them because we love them and time cannot lessen that or silence us. We talk about them because in the year 2020 we recognise that it is healthy to do so and that grief is not a mental illness. There is nothing ‘wrong with us’. In fact, I have learnt that being able to speak freely about my baby is paramount to my mental health.

Why do I do it so publicly? Because there are hundreds and thousands of us, feeling so damn isolated. So lonely in our loss. Yet we are not alone. I still remember being stunned the day I found out there were hashtags for baby loss. ‘There are other people online like me?’

I couldn’t believe it. Until I went onto social media and I found my tribe. Mothers from across the world on the same time table of grief as me. Parents who were desperate to share photos of their babies, for others to acknowledge their children’s name, to share in the joy of their existence.

Talking about our children helps others who have experienced loss to open up. Recently my elderly neighbor came over to introduce herself. I reminded her that we had met before and she replied confused

‘But didn’t you have a baby girl called Lily?’

I explained what had happened and to my utter surprise she broke down and told me about the baby she had born 40 years ago who had died just days after birth.

‘We weren’t allowed to talk about it back then, but I still think about my baby every single day. If I can give you any advice - keep talking about your girl. Don’t let them shut you up’.

So I will continue to talk about Lily. Because she is my child and I am her mother. Because when I talk about her it helps others talk about their loss. If talking about it in a public forum can reach just one person and help them feel less alone, it is worth all of the judgement.

So next time you hear someone say ‘Why does she keep talking about losing her baby?’

Please tell them, ‘She talks about it because that was her child. She talks about it to help others talk about their loss, she talks about it because its normal and healthy to do so’.