Eve’s Story

Felicity is Eve’s mother, Eve was born without breath during the height of the COVID19 pandemic. Felicity shares her experience of losing Eve, the heart ache of grieving alone in global pandemic and strategies for survival after loss.

Our conception and pregnancy

Our journey towards parenthood wasn’t as easy as we had anticipated, involving multiple cycles of IVF. After several years of fertility treatment, we found out we were pregnant in September 2019.  At the 12 weeks scan we were elated to find out we were having a little girl. We chose the name Eve, meaning life. 

Christmas 2019 was exciting for my Husband and I. We excitably announced our pregnancy to family and friends, and as a family we planned for such a momentous 2020 family Christmas, with Eve being the much anticipated and wanted Christmas gift.

Our pregnancy was perfect. All the scans and appointments, throughout my pregnancy, indicated nothing other than a perfectly healthy baby and mum.

However, over the Easter break I felt something a change, something didn’t feel right. I noticed little to no movement. I hesitated, thinking I was just being an overreactive first time mother.  Two days later we rang our Obstetrician who sent us in for foetal monitoring at our local rural Hospital. I remember saying ‘if you don’t hear from us its good news, which I’m sure it will be’.

Soon after this phone call, our lives changed forever. 

There is no heart beat

When I heard the words ‘I am sorry there is no heartbeat’ a trap door opened from underneath me. All we could do was fall and watch our dreams, our hopes and our future disappear into a void of darkness.  

The following morning, April 14th 2020 at 10:29am, amidst the first Covid lockdown in Melbourne, I gave birth to our beautiful daughter Eve,  born, silent and without breath at 29 weeks and 5 days.

She was greeted into the world with dignity and honour, into a room full of warm hearts and weeping eyes. I held Eve on my heart, not sure if I could ever let her go.

Such a short time to create memories

Many memories from these few days continue to challenge my thoughts and emotions today. There were the heartbreaking and devastating phone calls to family, none of whom could be with us due to COVID lockdown. But the most devastating moment was saying our final goodbye, leaving the hospital with broken hearts, and empty arms without our daughter.

When your baby is born without breath, you have such little time to create memories, and amidst the shock and grief, you are not thinking about creating memories. We will be forever thankful to our wonderful team of midwives, who knew what to do and helped create such beautiful keepsake memories of Eve. These included

·         Photographic Memories - Heartfelt, a volunteer professional photographer dedicated to giving the gift of photographic memories to families, created a wonderful collection of photos of Eve.  If Heartfelt are not available, Hospitals often have cameras to use in such occasions.

·         Cuddle Cots – How grateful we are for cuddle cots, a specialised cooling bed that prevents the baby’s body from deteriorating.  Thanks to a cuddle cot, Eve to stayed with us and never left our side. We sang to her, we talked to her, we held her. Such cherishing and beautiful moments.

·         Memory Book - Our midwives put together a memory book of Eve, and included A lock of hair, her foot prints, hospital name band, certificate of birth.

Baby Loss during a global pandemic

As I write, we just celebrated and honoured Eve’s life with family and friends, something we were unable to do 12 months prior due to Covid-19 restrictions. COVID restrictions and lockdowns, certainly added a layer of complexity onto an already traumatic situation.  

During our time in Hospital and for many weeks and months after, Covid restrictions prevented physical connection with family and friends. I remember, when in hospital, my sisters saying ‘we can see the hospital but we aren’t allowed in’. Our normal support networks were non-existent. This complicated the grieving process, not only for us but for our extended family. Grieving the loss of our baby became a very lonely and even more isolating place.

Strategies for survival

·         Professional support

Having support around you is so important, especially during a time of deep trauma and grief. It was going to be a 16 week wait to see a psychologist. A 3 week wait to see my GP in person. This is typical of the medical systems in regional and rural Victoria, and Australia. There simply aren’t enough medical professionals. Thankfully, during Covid, GP telehealth consults kicked in, and my GP developed up a mental health plan. Ten weeks after Eve died, I met with a private grief and loss counsellor. My Husband and I also met together with a perinatal counsellor.

 

Don’t get me wrong, friends and family have been wonderful support, but they are not professionals in grief and loss.  Our counsellors have been wonderful. I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for this help.  What I value about professional help is there is no judgement, there is no fixing the grief or forcing you to move on and get back to ‘normal’. There is no expectation of how you should or shouldn’t grieve. It’s a safe space to work through your emotions and through this I have learnt more about my self in a year than I have done in my lifetime.

 

·         Social Media Support

I connected with so many grieving mothers and families through social media platforms. These connections helped me so much. We could share our experiences, our feelings, our emotions and offer support to each other. We all had this common undertesting of deep traumatic grief. I didn’t feel so alone.

 

 

·         Finding your grief by slowing down

The past year I gardened, I journaled, I did art, I discovered meditation and yoga therapy. I did everything that felt right to me. I slowed down and I learnt to accept and honour my grief. I accepted there is no expiry date to my grief, and I accept that grief will be with me forever as our love for Eve will be forever.

 

Pregnancy After Loss: there is hope

Our only experience with pregnancy has been loss. It has been a terrifying and anxious thought to try again, but given my age we don’t have the luxury of time to wait. I know in my heart no other pregnancy can replace Eve. We know we desperately want a family.

I am currently 18 weeks pregnant, and there is such a heightened level of anxiety this time around. But as with loss, you learn to find your own coping mechanisms.

·                     I set milestones and take each day at a time. Our Dr has been brilliant in developing up thorough management plan. We know how long between scans. It can feel like an eternity between scans and it so hard to manage the thoughts, but I break it down into days and just take one day at a time.

·                     My husband and I both attend scans to support each other. We fear every scan. Are we going to hear the words ‘I am sorry there is no heart beat’. We see the one Obstetrician and same team of midwives every time, so we don’t need to explain our level of fear and anxiety. They know, which is very reassuring and comforting.

·                     I see my counsellor and have joined a Pregnancy After Loss online support forum. This helps offload and talk through anxieties. You feel less alone knowing there are others travelling a similar journey.

·                     I take the good advice and ignore the not so helpful advice. Most of the time people mean well, but what you need is support not the extra worry.

Honouring Our Baby: The Year of Firsts

We have just passed through the year of ‘firsts’. The first of everything without Eve. Our First Mother’s day, first Christmas, first Easter and most recently Eve’s first Birthday. I have found the first year an emotional roller coaster. But I also found solace in the way we have honoured and remembered Eve. There is no right or wrong, and I have found honouring Eve has been guided by my heart and guided by Eve.

 

Felicity lives in Victoria and is a Forest Fire Planning Officer with Forest Fire Management Victoria. You can follow Felicity and learn more about how she honours Eve on her Instagram account @Everlastingeve